Alone for the Holidays

I understand I'm not the only one spending the holidays alone this year. And it's hardly my first time either, but I'll be sharing my own experience in hopes of helping someone else as well as freeing some tension.

It's difficult enough when at your own hands you have created the alienation. I have been in correctional institutes during several holidays and events that I should have been with loved ones. I created a ripple of pain and loneliness that extended to family and friends who cared for me. Missed deaths and births and grand celebrations. Wrote letters, drew pictures, made endless phone calls trying to reach out from the walls and send my love and apologies to people I didn't want to forget or give up on me. I attended classes, kept to other inmates that I thought were healthy for me and did a lot of soul searching. I played sports, cards and crafted. But at the end of the day when the last count is called, I am alone... in a dorm with 200 other women, I am alone. I envision the parties and feasts that are ensuing as I lay on my bunk. I hear the laughter and music and glasses clinking. And I wonder if anyone thinks of me. How nice it would be if Tiffany was there. Does anyone stop in the moment and imagine my smile? Hear my voice greet them joyfully? Feel the love in my embrace as I hug them hello? I wonder if anyone misses me as much as I miss them. Have I been replaced? Have I been forgotten? So, yes... that is a loneliness that I induced on myself. I have a better time of accepting things if I see the logic and remedy. A set plan, maybe. And in there, I saw it all. So, I waited. I missed Holidays, lived inside the walls with what resources that were available and I waited to be free... so the loneliness would end.


photo by David Pringle

Now I face another lonely holiday. And it hurts. But not the same as above. See, after doing the work to change my life and be a better person to ensure that I wouldn't face that pain again... I'm gazing right in the dead eye of loneliness again. The greedy selfish devil that swells up from within wants to scream and shout, gnash my teeth and pummel my fists! I feel slighted by karma, cheated by celestials, and ass fucked by Apollo. Damn it, I worked hard to be the kind of person who attracted company and deserved love. I took my punishment while maintaining hope and building self esteem. I met and fell in love with a man who I adore and lust. Spent every second I could with him for months. Shared my secrets and fears and absorbed his. I put myself on the razors edge when I gave my heart to him. I trusted that pain from loneliness would never grow in me again. But I was wrong. He had to return to another state to spend the holidays with his children. Yes, he will be back. No, I am not going to die. I've been through worse... but it was at my own hand. Circumstance that I created. So, it made sense and I accepted it better.

Ironic. I'm still saying there is time to make precious memories... and I'm not doing time.

There are distinct differences in the two types of loneliness. Some good and some bad. At least this is not a punishment for something I did wrong even if it seems like it at times. I have family and friends close to me, good food, entertainment, music and rum. I can watch a movie when I want, pet my dog and walk barefoot in the grass. I have my computer and Twitter friends. I can text, I can call... and it's not collect. So, yeah... I'd rather go through it out here in the world where I can drink my self pity away.

Besides, have you ever tried to discretely masturbate on a bottom bunk with 199 other people in a dorm? I have. Not so good if your a moaner.

Thanks to David Pringle for his permission to use Prison Barber Chair http://www.pringle-art.com/